


As shadows upon a sea obscured

by ragnarok89



Category: Original Work
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Bittersweet Ending, Conversations, Early Work, F/M, Friendship/Love, Gaslighting, Gen, Ghosts, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internal Conflict, Introspection, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Original Character(s), Original Fiction, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Drama, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Survivor Guilt, Talking, Tragedy, Unhappy Ending, Unrequited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:41:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24729865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ragnarok89/pseuds/ragnarok89
Summary: "It was like I could have prevented it, I could have saved him."
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Male Character
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	As shadows upon a sea obscured

**Author's Note:**

> Mind the warnings, as there are mentions of suicide, mental health issues, and gaslighting in this story, though not in great detail.

Today's session started in its usual fashion.

There was the obligatory small talk where Sydney gave an update on how she was coping with being back in school. The doctor would talk about the funny incidents that occurred at a military base, where he worked on the side.

This was normally Sydney's favorite part of these sessions; it felt more like two friends having a conversation than a clinical appointment.

But today she couldn't hold in her agitation.

"I want to talk about Mark," Sydney blurted out.

Dr. Samuels blinked at the interruption, he then smiled slightly. "Mark?"

"Yeah, but you know that," Sydney replied, giving the doctor a look.

"I'm just a little surprised. I couldn't help noticing that you always broke off after mentioning his name. Normally, I wouldn't have hesitated to probe, but because of everything else that was going on in your life I felt it was best to focus on other issues. Besides, I'm not here to solve all your problems, but to teach you how to handle them on your own."

"I tried handling it on my own and I failed!" Sydney exclaimed, defeated.

She quickly recounted what happened between her and Mark at the hospital that day. She closed her eyes and leaned back. The encounter still hurt. She wanted to blame the miserable outcome on him being someone she didn’t know.

But she knew that attitude was what got her in this situation in the first place.

Maybe he was different or maybe he was exactly the same.

She still couldn’t help him – when she had tried to reach out to him, it didn’t work.

Sydney said morosely, "He didn't even look at me."

"Did you ask him if events at his home were bothering him? I understand that when he was depressed, he expressed his emotions differently from other people and tried to keep it to himself, especially if there was any discord at home."

Sydney shook her head. "I didn't have to ask. I may not have known Mark that well back in junior high, but I knew him better than anyone else. He treated me differently. It was like I wasn't anything to him anymore. Not a friend, not a fellow student. Not... anything."

"You weren't special anymore," Samuels said.

Sydney squirmed. It seemed so arrogant when it was said out loud.

Perhaps she _should_ feel bad.

She said softly, "I deserved it. He should have been angry at me."

Samuels looked concerned. "Sydney..."

Sydney held up a hand to cut him off.

"No, I'm not backsliding. For once, this is my fault."

She paused, looking uncertain. "You've read the files. You know about Mark's... problems?"

Samuels closed his notebook and leaned forward. "I am aware of all the classified material pertaining to my clients. To be honest, that is one of the reasons I was hesitant to speak up. This is a... unique situation, to say the least. But I will help you however I can."

"I appreciate that," Sydney replied. She looked down, not knowing where to begin. Like Dr. Samuels had said, she had never talked about Mark. She tried so hard not to even think about her. Why did she feel like talking now?

_Because it was my fault he killed himself._

"After the manic episode... after he tried to kill himself..." Sydney trailed off, her throat clogging up. She looked over at the painting of sailboats on the ocean on the wall behind Samuels and composed herself. "Learning that he was dead, when he succeeded the second time around, was the most painful experience of my life. It was like I could have prevented it, I could have saved him."

Sydney stopped when she realized what she said. _Oh no, let's not go into that now._

"After his breakdown, I was so happy to hear that he survived. I visited him in the hospital, and it hurt that he didn't even remember me. The doctors told me that was normal. Post-traumatic amnesia or something..."

Samuels waited a minute for Sydney to continue then he prompted, "But it wasn't normal?"

Sydney propped up her head on the arm of her chair and said, "It depends on what you mean by normal. After I found out... about Mark... My father told me that it takes time to settle down properly, back to reality after a cry for attention. I don't even know why he told me that."

"Maybe he thought it would help you," Samuels suggested.

Sydney snorted. "He has a funny way of helping. Showing me that people with problems can handle themselves, then expecting me to go on like before, like the everyday businessman. I want to be angry at him. Maybe I needed to know the truth, but did he have to do it then? After I learned from my own father that Mark killed himself! It was too much. I couldn't handle it. I ran away again, from the only person who never tried to make me feel bad for who I was."

"But you felt that you had a good reason," Samuels said.

"I guess. I didn't think he was the real Mark after his first attempt. I thought he was a fake, an imposter. I didn't want anything to do with him. It felt like he wasn't even human. Looking at him would just remind me that another friend of mine died. Because in the end, before he was truly gone, he could look like him, sound like him, have all of his memories, but he wasn't him."

Samuels asked quietly, "What changed?"

"I feel like I saw his ghost, just recently, and it was the Mark who was my friend."

* * *

Heavy footsteps treaded down the hallways. It was filled with people at this time of the day, staff doing their routine check-ups and patients making their way to different stations or checking out. Sydney moved amidst them, hiding herself within the crowd.

_Tap, tap, tap._

Her footsteps were drowned out by chatter, but each step she took away from the room was a heavy reminder of what she had done.

_Tap._

She stopped.

_Tap, tap._

Stepped to the side when someone ran past her.

_Tap, tap, tap._

She recognized him, Mark. The one that she knew was running towards the room she had exited moments ago – the Mark who was always cheerful, laughing, and running off somewhere.

_Tap, tap. Tap, tap._

His footsteps rang loud in her ears, a taunting rhythm as Sydney drowned in her own frustrations. But amongst the crowd she was quiet, almost invisible as she dragged her feet across the yellowish tiles.

Just like how she was to him.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a short story I wrote for a class back in university. 
> 
> Comments and thoughts are appreciated.


End file.
